Q. Are zombies real?

A. What do you think Liam? Are you real? Liam says, “Duh.” Liam’s sitting next to me nagging me to get this done keeping me company. Liam is a good friend of mine. Liam is also a true-blue, bona fide zombie and has been one since I was three. No, he doesn’t eat brains, or human flesh, or stumble around stupidly. Real zombies - the ones who have been raised properly by a trained necromancer - are human. Just dead. Liam and others like him can function normally in society. They just don’t need to eat, sleep, or drink. They do need to move around a lot or rigor mortis can set in and trust Liam when he says it’s a bitch to shake it off. Zombies don’t need to breathe either, so don’t offer them a ciggie.

Zombies cannot reproduce. No shagging There’s no blood circulating you see. So once you’re a zombie, nless you had children before you die, you will never be able to have them. One more reason to grant them rights as citizens. Some zombies would like to adopt, but as of now, that’s impossible.

Q. I thought Zombies were slow-witted creatures who want to rip my guts out.

A. Some of them are. Avoid them. If a zombie is not raised properly, say if a wanna-be necromancer attempted to raise a zombie without the proper training and rituals, then you’re going to get the sort of zombie who give the rest of them a bad name. Yeah, they’re scary. Fortunately, it’s very difficult to raise the dead without the right training. Occasionally some idiot gets lucky, but for the most part the only dead things these amateurs might raise are bugs or fallen leaves.

Q. What about vampires and witches and wizards? They’re real too?

A. Yes, yes and yes. I am a witch (I’m also a certified necromancer but you didn’t ask about those) and best friends are vampires and zombies. Similar cautions apply with all three of the above. You’re going to run into “evil” vamps and I know for certain there are “bad” witches and wizards in the world. There are “evil” humans out there too. Doesn’t mean they’re all evil now does it?

Q. Can zombies feel pain?

A. Yes, though it’s not as acute as it would be if the zombie was human. I don’t pretend to know the physiological makeup of a true zombie. I’m no doctor. But my father believes that part of the power used to tie a zombie to his necromancer includes neurological functioning as well as functioning nerve endings. Liam says he feels like they’re deadened (ha!) though. I could smack him upside the head right now and it wouldn’t cause much pain. If I accidentally broke a finger, however, he would feel it.

Q. Speaking of breaking stuff, can zombies heal?

A. On their own, no. But the necromancer that raised the zombie can use that tie between them to sort of “push” more power into the zombie and heal him or her.